I screwed up today. I betrayed the confidence of someone that I trust, admire, and respect. Three other people I also value were touched by my ugly transgression.
I got lazy with e-mail. I meant to forward an article to four people, and instead of starting a new e-mail I grabbed the last e-mail I had from one of them and added the other three addresses to it. I did not even think to delete the text from the e-mail I grabbed, and it contained information shared in confidence.
I wish I could crawl under a rock.
I’ve already apologized to all involved, but somehow that’s just not good enough. I know they will forgive me because they are all good, professional people, but I don’t feel I merit their consideration. One of them told me “this too shall pass”, and while I know that is true I still feel slimy.
It’s more than just a technical mistake. It is with me a fundamental flaw in my character that I have been dealing with for decades. As much as I preach lifting others up, I am very competitive and very direct. I believe in those principles, but sometimes I violate other core principles of professionalism and basic decency along the way. I loathe hubris, but that beast is still just as much alive and well within me as it is within anyone.
I need to pay more attention to the plank in my own eye.
Friends, please forgive me.
You should follow me on twitter here.
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive in transgressions is ourselves. We are all human beings just trying to do the best we can in our lives. Unlike many people Bret, you recognize the “plank in your eye.” Knowing it exists AND being aware of it may affect your actions makes you a person of integrity.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 9:43 am
Thanks for the kind words, Catherine! Bret
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Thank you for being so open. It would be interesting to explore that tension between a wholesome expression of values (like competitiveness and directness) and the unwholesome expression.
What triggers the shift – either way?
Diagnosing a “fundamental flaw” makes it sound unworkable. What about a persistent pattern? Or some other framing that presupposes that capacity to transform?
In my experience, there is a direct connection between self-unforgiveness and the perpetuation of unwholesome patterns of behavior. There’s a fine line between cleaving to high standards and being unforgiving. Maybe, on second thought, not that fine a line. Just a clear difference.
Thanks for your great work.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I appreciate your thoughts, Eric. I would add there is a difference between unforgiveness and stubbornness, and that is my problem. And if we are honest, we can come to love our flaws, which is why are hang on to them so stubbornly. Thanks for sharing! Bret
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Bret –
Hey, way to man up. Well said. It got you a mention here: http://www.greatleadershipbydan.com/2010/03/5-little-things-make-big-difference-as_14.html
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Thanks for the mention at your site, Dan! You have motivated me to screw up more often
Thanks! Bret
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I want to hug you, because I and the whole world now know that you are human.
All of us learn our life lessons over and over again. We just don’t always recognize it. And when we do, very few of us would admit it so publicly.
Thank you for reminding us of our humanity.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 11:57 am
I appreciate the kind words, MJ. I would never have predicted when I started blogging that I would write a blog like this one. Just another reason why I firmly believe blogging is one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself and others. Thanks! Bret
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I doubt there’s a person alive today who hasn’t done something similar with e-mail, or wished they could choke back the words that hurt someone else. But here’s what I think is important: you will be a better friend, a better teacher, a better colleague and a better boss because of what has happened. Without that mistake — and your self-reflection — you may not be able to help someone else in the future that really needs it. You will be able to reach back and remember what this moment felt like — and that will help you help others.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
Welcome, Anita! I appreciate your thoughts on this. My students are going to think I did this on purpose, because the day before it happened we were covering communication in class and we talked about the mistakes you can make with e-mail! The e-mail mistake is an easy fix, the character stuff is not. Thanks!! Bret
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Oh, don’t be so hard on my new friend. I like him just the way he is — flaws and all.
Nothing like being real to getting a real conversation flowing. Great work Bret.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 9:37 pm
Well, I wish it were not so real, but it it. Thanks, Debra!
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I am confident you have been forgiven…tenfold! The best thing that can happen to all of us…hopefully on a rare frequency…is to do something that is out of character, thus proving, if only to ourselves, that we are human. Acts of imperfection may let ourselves down, but it forces us to seek and recognize the many silver linings of new opportunities – like this blog! For me, forgiveness is the law – to others, and to myself! You’re a great leader, and one of the best friends I’ve known!
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I appreciate the kind words, Kathy. Who knew a blog could be so therapeutic?
Thanks! Bret
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Bret,
For me, I think Dan McCarthy said it best when he states “Way to man up,” as many leaders see your admission as a sign of weakness. But I’m curious; can’t we lift others while still being competitive, or are these actions/traits mutually exclusive? I love helping friends learn the sport of triathlon, but that doesn’t preclude me from wanting to beat them (honestly and fairly) to the finish line!
Otherwise, don’t be so hard on yourself. You messed up on an email (like this hasn’t happened to any of us…..), recognized your mistake, apologized appropriately, and hopefully, apply measures to minimize these types of mistakes in the future. Get over it, as I’m sure your friends already have by now as well.
Best Rgs,
Steve
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Thanks for the encouragement, Steve. I do think we can be competitive and also be good sports. Part of being a good sport is dealing with not wining all the time. I have gotten over my mistake, but I don’t want to soon forget it. I want the sting of failure to help me change. Thanks! Bret
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My first time to your blog. It takes a real leader to admit when they made a mistake and to apologize, especially on a public forum. Owning up and taking complete responsibility for our actions is the only way to be. There is no middle ground, sort of like there is no degree’s of honesty. You either honest or your not
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 12:07 am
Welcome, James. I appreciate you visiting my blog and sharing your thoughts. Thanks! Bret
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Bret, it’s also my first time to your blog. Kudos to you for being so introspective after your mistake. That’s what makes you different from the rest of the world–you not only took the time to apologize, but you actually reflected on what happened and how you can make changes in the future. That’s what counts. (And also what makes me want to go read the rest of your posts!) Don’t beat yourself up too much more, though, ok? EVERYONE has done something like that at some point in time. It’s part of being human!
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Welcome, Noel! I think regret is a wasted emotion. Like you recommend, I try to learn from my mistakes and move on. Hope you read more of my posts and come back often. Thanks! Bret
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