A few days ago I wrote an article entitled When the Bully Boss is Female. In response to that article, I got a direct e-mail from someone describing their situation at work with a bully and asking for my advice. It is a difficult and probably familiar situation, and instead of me just giving my advice, I think it would be more valuable for this person to hear a variety of opinions about potential options. With the person’s permission, here is an excerpt from the e-mail:
My General Manager is male (the bully) but we also have to deal with the Office Manager who is female. These two feed each other with negativity all day long and this means I/we seem to be continuously bombarded with being yelled at – in your face (and I mean 3 inches away) all the way down to the constant belittling and this is a daily experience.
Both the shop foreman and I have brought this to the CEO’s attention and yes, we documented, documented, documented with very specific examples and can you guess what happened? Well, both of us still have our jobs but wish we didn’t. Even in the trying economic times of today, I am seriously thinking of moving on (and so is the shop foreman) but this will not fix the problem. The talk with the 4 of us – CEO, GM, Foreman & me only made life almost TOTALLY unbearable. This is a family owned and run business and I do believe in our products, but I/we need some advice as to how to smooth feathers AND correct this situation.
What are your suggestions? Please take the time to leave a comment so that we can provide this individual and others with a variety of voices on the subject.
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Family run businesses have the double whammy of dealing with all the small business stresses and family relationships.
When the two combine in this toxic way there is nothing short of professional medical psychotherapeutic intervention that will make a real and lasting change and only then if the family members recognise they have a problem and want to change.
If you sue them massively for large amounts of money that might do it, but the cost to you of going through the process might be high in money/time/damage to you.
I work in the UK so my view on the legals is probably not accurate in the US.
I would find another job and then send an open letter to all managers saying I have document your bullying and damaging behaviour to staff (as have my colleagues). I amn leaving as a direct result of the intolerable treatment I have endured. I want to put on record that you are damaging your employees (and probably each other) and there are real problems in the organisation and the family that need addressing. If you bully my successor I will be able and willing to testify that you have been warned of the problem and its risks to the health and safety of your staff and that you are now not acting negligently but reckleslly with all the legal implications that involves.
You are not bad people but you are acting in a very bad way and you might want to consider getting some help before you drive someone to suicide or permanently injure someone’s mental or emotional well being.
__________
Get out, go on and live and enjoy your life. Don’t stand in the road wondering if this truck will hurt you when it hits you!
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Annabel, I appreciate your thoughts. The fact that this is a family owned business is important in this case. Sometimes those are run with great care and concern for employees, and other times they are run with extreme hubris. The owner is fully aware and seems to fully support the bad behavior. And this is BAD behavior. The only time someone got 3 inches from my face and yelled was in basic training. If that happened to me now let’s just say I would not respond well. Thanks! Bret
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A direct discussion with the General Manager and the Office Manager would be in order. There is a conflict in their relationship which must be worked out. They are conflicting over power, rights, or interests. [workflow, signing authority, recognition for work done, something that happened 20 years ago?, etc.]
A third party, perhaps the CEO, can discuss with them separately about how each person views the other person, what causes their conflict, and subsequently the taking out on other employees.
Address their relationship GM/OM first. Then perhaps discussion the ramifications on staff (bullying) once the original conflict has been resolved.
Regards.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Renee, your suggestions are great, but this is a tough one because this person has already done what you suggested and things did not get better, in fact they may have gotten worse. The owner was made aware, so it would seem that the bully has a green light to do as he pleases. Thanks! Bret
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Good advice, Bret, regardless of the gender of the bully. In many workplaces there is no practical, effective option if confronting the bully doesn’t work. One of the things I often despair of is the number of companies who believe that if a supervisor “gets results” that automatically overrides the way the person acts. Until we do a better job of addressing that we will continue to have those “kiss up, kick down” bosses.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Wally, I always advocate early confrontation. But as you point out, there are no simple solutions and sometimes that does not work. Thanks! Bret
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Sometimes, there is no solution the person on the lower end of a power differential can effect.
It would be wiser if the family business really “got” the lost productivity, financial, and opportunity costs of disgruntled workers, and the costs of rehiring key positions. Sometimes; however, people in management want to act as unwise people despite the costs. I would just add that a toxic work environment can eventually make for ill health for the worker who dwells in it.
Long term, this employee knows that staying in this toxic environment in untenable, and there’s no light at the end of this tunnel.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Autumn, I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I think you are right on. Abusive behavior comes at a price to employers and it is a price they rarely see. I also have to concur with you about getting out of the toxic environment. Thanks! Bret
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You have a very wise group of people commenting on this topic. I concur with Annabel— all reasonable, business-oriented solutions have been exhausted and nothing short of a more clinical “intervention” type approach will affect any change. And, as Wally states, after confronting the bully, really—what else can be done?
I’m very empathetic to the person posing your question. Economic times *are* difficult and perhaps there are limited job opportunities. If this person were sitting in the office with me, here’s what I’d ask:
1.How is this impacting your mental, emotional and physical health? How much longer can you deal with this situation before it has lasting effects for you? (Get them to give you an estimate—1 month, 6 months, 1 year…)
2.Using the given time horizon—let’s say, 6 months—what are short-term things you can do to mitigate the impact on you while you determine your long-term job search action plans? How can you take small actions that will help you a) preserve your sanity and b) set you up for the job search when the time is right?
I would counsel this person to begin a job-search plan immediately, but acknowledge that there will be things he/she needs to do in the interim to maintain his/her health. Plain and simple, this is a toxic workplace and the sooner this person leaves, the better.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Jennifer, excellent advice. Having a *plan* with specific steps to commit to will be very helpful. This person has already taken action that all of us would recommend, but it’s going to take more. Thanks! Bret
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Bullying by a boss is abuse of power and that’s always hard to deal with and often filled with its own danger. But the principle of early confrontation is one I’ve advocated for years. It’s a key principle in the Working Manager’s Support Kit and just about everything else I write. I call it the Dinosaur Rule. Problems are like dinosaurs. They’re easy to take care of when they’re small, but it you let them grow big they can eat you and your Land Rover.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Wally, concur 100% about the danger of the abuse of power. Where does it stop? Love your dinosaur rule – funny. But even the dinosaur’s were vulnerable. Thanks for the sage advice! Bret
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I keep wondering why this person stays– is it really as bad as stated? Is the job market SO bad that it’s not worth looking around?
Or, did this person ask the question in the hopes that somewhere, somehow the solution had escaped him/her?
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Good question, Jennifer. The person really believes in the product the company produces. The company has not felt the hit from the recession. So they do “good” work for “bad” people and produce a product that helps others. Thanks! Bret
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I have to take issue with part of the advice offered by Annabel. As satisfying as it would be to send a letter to the managers regarding bad behavior, I believe it could open the door to legal action such as a defamation claim if the letter is distributed more widely, which I feel is inevitable these days.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
That is an interesting question, Steven. but I wonder – if someone is 3 inches from your face screaming, isn’t that potentially assault? thanks for the comment! Bret
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What a tangled mess of problems. It’s clear that the people involved are not emotionally healthy, and the fact of it being a family business (as several have pointed out) means that recourse runs out fairly quickly absent some actionable offense, and that is its own hell of time, expense, and discomfort. The family business is often fraught with a fear-driven culture springing from worries–some legitimate, some not–about the viability and growth of the business. This often translates into disregard or hostility toward anyone who disrupts order in the business. Perversely, this hostility is directed toward the person who is trying to advance products that person believes in by pursuing a level of professionalism and civility at work. Imagine that!
Sadly, one of the only remaining avenues I can see is to ask for a follow-on 1:1 meeting with the CEO to summarize what has happened since the initial meeting. I would recommend that the employee lead off with an explanation of the employee’s belief in the products and willingness to work hard to see them succeed. This could be bolstered by some view toward what exceptional performance will look like in the coming months. Once this is established, the employee could explain how the behavior is continuing and what its implications are to the performance and company success just discussed. The employee could present 2-3 suggestions about how to re-address the problem with proposals for follow-up to discuss both company progress and status of the behaviors. The employee could end by reaffirming the employee’s commitment to the company and asking for the CEO’s commitment to the outcomes discussed.
All that said, the outlook isn’t good. Any of the above is probably best handled in tandem with a vigorous job search. Entrepreneurs sometimes have a way of biting the hand that feeds.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Really appreciate your suggestion, Joseph! We are getting a lot of good comments and yours adds real value. I think we all agree the vigorous job search is a must. Thanks! Bret
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Unfortunately I believe that if the environment is that toxic – out is the only way.
And it is not just small family business either.
I know of a global company that does the same thing
Just imagine; they have almost zero employee retention
and second – the **majority** of their competition is…..
you guessed it – ex-employees
And yes – the letters etc were tried at this org. as well.
And yes – people got sick –
No – I don’t think anything will ever change – because the toxic ones do not get sick or leave!
So your only choice is to get out with your health – I don’t necessarily mean just walk out the door – but start looking…
Regards – and to your writer, been there, got the T-Shirt & best wishes
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Elliot, I appreciate your thoughts. People do get sick in these toxic environments. It’s one of the reasons I feel so strongly about trying to help out. Is a job worth your health and sanity? Easy for me to say, but I don’t think so. Thanks! Bret
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I feel for the individuals in this situation. Bullying eats away at the very core of who are you.
Unless bullying is based on one of the protected classes, there are no laws here for the individuals to claim. Plus, emotional abuse within the workplace has a high burden of proof within the legal system. And the burden in on the plaintiff to prove it.
Most workplaces turn a blind eye towards bullying, especially if the people (bullies) are meeting the expectations that have been set forth. It’s not right, but it’s the fact.
Honestly, the bullies aren’t going to change if they aren’t given a reason. It sounds as though the company leadership is aware of the situation and is choosing to do nothing. The targets have a couple of options:
Construct a survival strategy that includes how to protect themselves. The Workplace Bullying Institute as well as Bob Sutton’s website and book (No Asshole Rule) have some excellent suggestions. Pamela Lutgen-Sandvick, from the U of New Mexico, has done extensive research on this topic as well. Great stuff.
Get a support system in place. This may include counseling from a professional who is familiar with emotional abuse and trauma.
Face the brutal facts. This situation will probably not change. You, the target, are going to have to change. Know what you can control and what you can’t.
Leave the organization. No job is worth someone’s health – mental, physical, or emotional.
Best of luck to these individuals. And remember, that no one deserves to be treated with such disrespect or fear for their safety (psychologically or physically) in the workplace.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Catherine, really appreciate the great advice. Your insight on the legal issues here is very helpful.
This is clearly a case of workplace aggression and maybe violence. Is it possible that yelling three inches from someone’s face could be considered assault?
Concur 100% that no one deserves to be treated like this. Bob Sutton’s stuff on this issue is great. I am not familiar with Pam’s stuff but I will check it out. Thanks for the suggesstions!!! Bret
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Catherine Reply:
September 18th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I agree that yelling at someone three inches from their face is unacceptable. Unfortunately, workplace safety laws don’t cover emotional stuff yet. That’s what makes workplace bullying so insidious. It greatly affects people, production, and bottom line finances but is slow in becoming recognized as a “real” problem.
Hope these individuals keep you updated on their situation. I’d be interested to hear how they resolve this. Catherine
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 19th, 2009 at 12:12 am
I’m not talking about workplace safety laws. A crime is a crime wherever it occurs. Thanks Catherine! Bret
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I remember Basic Training and the NCM yelling 3 inches from my face.
My solution at the time is the solution I’d recommend here:
Suck it up.
The above solutions all focus on taking action to change the environment. Those actions all, to a varying degree, depend upon the exercise of coercive power: either yours, your boss’s or some external entity. If you can’t get that power, you’re more miserable then you were before (since now you’ve proven your impotence to deal with the problem).
It makes no sense to spend a lot of time and energy trying to divert a hurricane so why bother investing the energy to fix your work environment?
Take a Zen approach and simply don’t let the bullying behaviour get to you. The key is to realise that you have a CHOICE in how you feel about a specific circumstance that no one but you can control. If you let the bully “get you”, then your first priority is to re-orient your inner perspective to a more positive one.
Personally, I get a kick out of seeing if I can make the bully’s head explode. They tend to take really small things increadibly personally.
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 21st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I had one of those NCO’s too, James. I used to have the wipe the spit off my face when *she* was finished. But in the military, that is training. I think there is a lot of merit to what you are saying about not letting it get to you. But we have to realize that there is a reason it is called abuse – it is extremely stressful. People should not have to suck it up. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts! Bret
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James B. Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 am
“Should not” is the operative phrase there. Not all of what “should” happen, does.
If you can’t change the environment, as is often the case with these things, you can either change your perception of the environment (a self-centred approach to dealing with unpleasantness that’s out of our control) or find a new environment that’s (hopefully) better.
Generally, though, the grass isn’t always so green in other peoples’ backyards.
Labeling it “abuse” escalates the issue to one of justice and vengeance. Something that has to be dealt with aggressively.
It’s been my experience that the hardest thing to do is to change our my perceptions of what’s happening to me and yet, it’s the most enduring and most effective way to create a truly pleasant work experience. As you change your own experience, you’ll be amazed to find that others look to you for leadership and support. The abusive boss becomes merely a problem to be managed by the team rather then an assault to be endured by an individual.
Can you rally the troops and turn the problem into a profitable one? Does the boss have any redeeming features that can be re-enforced? Can you make it so that the tirades are ineffective?
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Bret L. Simmons Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
You offer a very unique perspective James. I hear what you are saying and appreciate it very much. As long as re-framing involves dealing the bully, I concur. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Bret
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